I’m drinking so much and I love drugs (cravings will never go away)
I can’t give a fuck anymore (gotta become numb to the pain it’ll never end)
The only this is I’m still fat as fuck (fuck this bitch starve yourself)
My lover doesn’t trust me I feel like he fucking hates me. (He’s yours forever or else)
I just want him to be as obsessed with me as I am with him. ( )
I feel so fucking unworthy. Like who am I to you? (IM EVERYTHING Nd nothing)
I’m gonna go because people probably think I’m shitting, because in reality I’m a drunken mess in the bathroom. Praying for a way out of this hellhole cycle of life I’m stuck in. Also praying it ends with me and my lover living happily ever after.
One of my close friends has relapsed and now it’s secretly a competition and I have to win. It doesn’t help that I ate a huge bowl of ramen and so much other things that won’t help me win. Fasting tomorrow, and I’m doing 100 squats and 100 crunches. I might do 50 before I go to sleep.
I deleted my socials. Insta, Snap, Twitter. Because I’m tired of checking these apps to see if anyone has checked on me only to be dissapointed. Lmao I’d rather feel crazy talking to whoever may wonder across my words than feel crazy because nobody interacts with me. Lmaoooo anyways I’m crazy. I just did a mile and I have asthma. I smoke cigarettes and weed and I have asthma. But I’m determined to get rid of my asthma by doing at least a mile everyday. I think I weigh like 148 pounds. That’s fucking insane. Peace and love.
And I’m gonna have my car and my gym membership and my job.
Thank you Universe.
Now, no flex I am excited about all of the freedoms that will come with my car. But I should be equally as excited about the responsibility that’s coming with him/her.
I’m hoping to have her by the end of February. Universe guide me. Things are going a little weird in my life. But I’m trying to stay focused and stable within myself. Others may be inconsistent but I can stay SOLID. I think that may be my mantra going into 2018. SOLID.
I have no support.
It feels like i’m doing this all by myself.
I mean, aren’t I? Nobody else is living life through my eyes. Someone please correct me if I’m wrong. I just feel so alone, in the sense that, I want what I want and who is going to help me achieve my goals relentlessly>???? other than myself? I only have myself.
Im tired of wanting drugs, I’m tired of wanting to look different, I’m tired of being too tired to do anything. I’m tired of feeling too worn down by the world to fucking deal with my issues. What kind of life is this? Am I still capable of doing normal shit, productive shit?
I’m not going to lie to myself or anyone else. At this point, I’m sober as fuck, and Im pissed. I need some money and some stability so I can do what the fuck I want. And when I fucking get it, man nobody can tell me a fucking thing. Nobody better ask me for a fucking thing. And I fucking mean it.